Ollie

Just sharing a picture of my little ball of fluff.  Turns out Ollie is a swimmer, like I was.  This little guy seeks out water whenever he can and jumps right in.  He found that my parents' Golden Retriever has a big water bowl just the right size for a tiny puppy to swim in.  So he does, everytime he is in their yard.  Ollie swims and runs and bounces with so much energy and silliness, that I think he may be part bunny. Then he usually collapses onto his back, feet in the air, in my lap, for a snuggly nap.  He is a fearless and goofy little fluffball.
The other thing I love about Ollie is that he gets me out of bed in the morning.  Ryan knew I was not a morning person and he used to help make sure I got up and going.  And I would look forward to spending time with Ryan before he left for work in the mornings, just us two of us.  In the midst of my grief, it is so easy to just stay in bed and not face the day ahead.  Most days I just don't wanna...  But Ollie wakes up, wants attention and snuggles, and gives me a reason to get going.  The other thing Ollie does is act silly when I seem to be down.  When I'm lying down, he will come over and roll on my hair and nuzzle my face with his nose, then jump up, trying to get me to play.  Ryan's way of getting me out of a funk was to get me to laugh.  He used to say he loved my laugh.  And sometimes when I was feeling particularly pouty, Ryan would say something silly or joke around and I would try really hard not to laugh. But Ryan usually won, got a smile out of me, and always made me feel better.  So I love Ollie in the ways he reminds me of Ryan, smart, caring, ready for hugs, and makes me smile, even when I just don't wanna.

not the same

ask & listen

The first step to suicide prevention really is to ask people how they are doing.  Then listen.  Like really listen.  We have gotten so used to using "how are you?" and answering "fine" as greetings to one another, that we have forgotten how to truly connect with others.  But taking the time to do that could make all the difference.  You see, I believe those with depression and suicidal thoughts are actively looking for that glimmer of light in the darkness, that reason however small to keep fighting.  They are seeking it desperately as a way to fight the pain consuming them.  Your smile, your genuine asking, and the gift of listening could be that piece of sunlight they needed to keep going, to safely voice their need for help, to be honest with their pain.  Let's be honest with each other, let's talk and connect and care.  And when I ask, "how are you doing, precious friend?" know that I truly want to know how you are doing.

consider it pure joy

Today is one of those "down" days, where my plans got cancelled and without a "purpose" to get out of the house for, I find myself spiraling downward into sadness. So I am spending some time thinking back to this past Sunday's sermon, which was on James 1. When I looked at the bulletin that morning and saw those verses printed, I inwardly groaned. James 1:2 says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds..."  Consider it pure joy?  I have been struggling these past few months with finding joy in the midst of pain, with feeling guilty when I do get glimpses of joy, and learning how joy and pain can coexist.  But asking me to consider my trials themselves as joy?  Oh, no, no, no... I am not there yet, God.  That is just asking too much of me.

But we are often asked to take on than we can handle. I have heard people say that God does not give us more than we handle - but that is not true. Nor is it in the Bible. Seriously. I looked. God cares for each of us immensely. But He promises to be our strength and graciously carry us when we fall down beneath a burden we cannot handle, not prevent every too-heavy burden in life from falling on our weak shoulders. God cares about our character more than our comfort - so he uses these heavy burdens that fall upon us to shape our character. It is God making good out of anything. But it often does not "feel" good to us.

So consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds... How do I deal with that verse? First, I think it means something a little different than my first impression. Our pastor said that looking at the word "consider" in this translation means to think carefully, tabulate, or count up. And "joy" in the Biblical context means giving praise to God. So we are essentially being asked to count up our praises to God, even in the face of our trials. That sounds a little more do-able to me... If I am in the middle of the storm and I can look carefully around and spot something, anything, that is worthy of praising God for, then I am "considering joy." So, again, maybe considering joy in the face of trails is not so much a command to please God, but something God asks of us for our own good. I am finding He does that a lot. The whole obedience thing... If we can find and focus on and think on those joyful things, it helps us endure the trials. "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things." (Phil 4:8)

And to continue the verses in James, we consider joy in the face of trials "because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance" (vs. 3) So if we start trying to find joy in the midst of trials, we will learn to preserve - to push through the hard work until new habits are formed. And we are to "let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything" (vs. 4). Again, God's reminder that his instructions are for our own good... But here is the best part: "If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you" (vs. 5). So even in the midst of seeking to find that glimmer of hope in the chaos, the flicker of light in a dark room, we can still go before God and ask Him questions. He invites us to. So my inward groan on Sunday morning, God was expecting it. He knew I would be asking, "why this verse? why?" And He has been answering - because He knows what is best for me. He knows where I need to set my thoughts and what I need to "consider" in order to heal.

Here is the rest of the verses in the Sunday bulletin (James 1:6-12): "But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do. Believers in humble circumstances ought to take pride in their high position. But the rich should take pride in their humiliation - since they will pass away like a wild flower. For the sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plant; its blossom falls and its beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the rich will fade away even while they go about their business. Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him."

To me, this is pretty much God's way of saying: "I am here, I love you, I will heal you. But you must trust that I will. Let me do my job. Even in the midst of pain, do not doubt that I have got this. Because I have got this. It all turns out okay and will be made beautiful in the end, it really will." Because the truth is it does turn out okay in the end. God does have this. The victory is already won.

"When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: "Death has been swallowed up in victory." 'Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?' The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." (1 Cor. 15:54-57)

You see, for me personally, Ryan's death took the "sting" out of death for me. I knew in my mind that Jesus had defeated death, but I don't really think it ever "sunk in" to my heart what that truly means for me, until Ryan died. Seeing Ryan's body lowered into the ground that afternoon, after his funeral, and sitting on that patch of grass, clinging to the flag they gave me, I was forced to really consider death. Up until that point I believe I was still in denial that my beloved Ryan was not coming back to me. And then I was in a dark, dark place that weekend that followed as I had to acknowledge what that meant. Ryan was gone from earth forever. It was a reality I was not okay with. But slowly these past few months I have begun to piece together what death means. Mostly this was in an attempt to give explanations to my grieving children. But I learned a lot in considering my words to them.

For the first time, I do not fear death. In fact, these past few months I have often felt that if I just did not wake up the next morning, that would be totally fine with me. I welcome it. I am ready. I have heard Ryan's dear grandmother (she is in her late 90's) say she is ready for years now. She lost her husband in her 30's as well, just like me. And I never understood how she could say she was just "waiting" for God to take her, happy if he would any day now. But I truly do understand that now - when you lose half of yourself to heaven, you can't wait to get there - the "sting" of death is gone. I will clarify that I am not thinking about harming myself or having suicidal thoughts in any way, but just that death does not scare me. I know I still have things I have to do here on earth, one of which is to see our two beautiful children grow up. But I explained to the children that we are not saying good-bye to Daddy, because we are not. Ryan is with God and waiting for us and interceding on our behalves as we finish out the work we still have to do here on worth. And if we spend 100 years here fulfilling God's tasks, it is but a blink of an eye in the timespan of eternity. It really is, even when it does not "feel" that way. And it is a beautiful and comforting thought that God walks with us through the trials and that Ryan is waiting on us, cheering us on. So that is what I "consider" when my days are full of trials.

Below are a few recent pictures of Ryan's dear grandma, our kids great grandma, that I mentioned.

9.11.01

When 9-11 happened, we were in Hawaii on our honeymoon.  With the time difference from the east coast to Hawaii, we didn't hear about the attacks until after the towers fell.  I remember being in the shower and Ryan telling me "something happened."  It was on the news but it took us awhile to piece together what had been happening all morning.  Then we got a phone call from Ryan's supervisor telling him that all military were recalled to their bases.  Ryan was assigned to Barksdale AFB, in Shreveport, Louisiana at the time.  Since we were on an island, with all aircraft grounded, Ryan obviously could not recall.  He just had to check in daily with his squadron, but we spent the next week on Hawaii anyway since all flights were grounded.  And then when the airports did open, it it took us 3 very long days to get back to Louisiana, spending one night in LA and another night in the Memphis airport.  Ryan and I have some precious, sleep deprived memories from that trip. NIt was a crazy and chaotic time to be flying.  We did explore Oahu and have a great time, despite the uncertainty and sadness throughout the country following the 9-11 attacks.  One memory I have is standing on Waikiki Beach, watching wreaths being released into the ocean at sunset, to honor the lives lost that day.  A beautifully sad moment.

Connect. Communicate. Care.

Today is World Suicide Prevention Awareness Day.  Please take a moment to read this.  I didn't think suicide would ever affect me.  You probably don't either.  But it can.  And we need to know the facts to prevent it.

The World Health Organization estimates that over 800,000 people die by suicide each year – that’s one person every 40 seconds. Up to 25 times as many again make a suicide attempt. The tragic ripple effect means that there are many, many more people who have been bereaved by suicide or have been close to someone who has tried to take his or her own life. And this is happening in spite of the fact that suicide is preventable. 'Connect, communicate, care' is the theme of the 2016 World Suicide Prevention Day. These three words are at the heart of suicide prevention.

Connect
Fostering connections with those who have lost a loved one to suicide or have been suicidal themselves is crucial to furthering suicide prevention efforts. Although every individual suicide is different, there are some common lessons to be learned. Those who have been on the brink of suicide themselves can help us understand the complex interplay of events and circumstances that led them to that point, and what saved them or helped them to choose a more life-affirming course of action. Those who have lost someone to suicide, or supported someone who was suicidal, can provide insights into how they moved forwards on their journey. The sheer numbers of people who have been affected by suicide would make this a formidable network.

Of course, these connections should be two-way. There will often be times when those who have been bereaved by suicide, and those who might be feeling suicidal themselves, need support. Keeping an eye out for them and checking that they are okay could make all the difference. Social connectedness reduces the risk of suicide, so being there for someone who has become disconnected can be a life-saving act. Connecting them with formal and informal supports may also help to prevent suicide. Individuals, organisations and communities all have a responsibility here.

Communicate
Open communication is vital if we are to combat suicide. In many communities, suicide is shrouded in silence or spoken of only in hushed tones. We need to discuss suicide as we would any other public health issue if we are to dispel myths about it and reduce the stigma surrounding it. This is not to say that we shouldn’t exercise necessary caution; we don’t want to normalise suicide either. Careful, considered messages about suicide and its prevention are warranted, as is an awareness of how different groups of individuals may receive and interpret this information.

Equipping people to communicate effectively with those who might be vulnerable to suicide is an important part of any suicide prevention strategy. Broaching the subject of suicide is difficult, and these sorts of conversations are often avoided. There are some simple tips that can help, however. Most of these relate to showing compassion and empathy, and listening in a non-judgemental way. People who have come through an episode of extreme suicidal thinking often say that sensitively-managed conversations with others helped them on their course to recovery.

The media also have an important role to play in suicide prevention. Some types of reporting on suicide (e.g., prominent and/or explicit stories) have been shown to be associated with 'spikes' in suicide rates, but others (e.g., those that describe mastery of suicidal crises) have been shown to have a protective effect. Media recommendations have been developed by the International Association for Suicide Prevention and the World Health Organization to assist journalists in getting stories right. Please see: http://goo.gl/4qVhUp

Care
All the connecting and communicating in the world will have no effect without the final ingredient – care. We need to make sure that policy-makers and planners care enough about suicide prevention to make it a priority, and to fund it at a level that is commensurate with its significance as a public health problem.

We need to make sure that clinicians and other service providers care enough about it to make suicide prevention their core business. And we need to make sure that communities care enough about it to be able to identify and support those who may be at heightened risk.

Most of all, we need to ensure that we are caring ourselves. We need to look out for others who may be struggling, and let them tell their story in their own way and at their own pace. Those who have been affected by suicide have much to teach us in this regard.

Connect, communicate and care on World Suicide Prevention Day

On September 10th, join with others around the world who are working towards the common goal of preventing suicide. Check in on someone you may be concerned about, and start a caring conversation with them, asking them how they’re going. Investigate ways of connecting with others who are trying to prevent suicide in your community, your country, or internationally. Show your support by taking part in the International Association for Suicide Prevention's Cycle Around the Globe.

The first World Suicide Prevention Day was held in 2003 and was an initiative of the International Association for Suicide Prevention and the World Health Organization (WHO). Since then, World Suicide Prevention Day has taken place on 10th September each year.

Please view the WHO Fact Sheet on suicide at: http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs398/en/This information is from the International Association of Suicide Prevention:   https://www.iasp.info/wspd/

Hope. Help. Heal.

 This is the phone number for the military crisis hotline.   1-800-273-8255 (press 1)

verses

"When Jesus saw her weeping... he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled." (John 11:33)

"Job stood up and tore his robe in grief.  Then he shaved his head and fell to the ground in worship." (Job 1:20)

"I know the Lord is always with me.  I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me... My body rests in safety." (Ps. 16:8-9)

From these words I am comforted to know that God knows our pain, our grief, because he felt it Himself - and still weeps with us when we weep.  And I find I amazing that Job could be in such utter anguish and still worship God - but I think in this instance the worship is not just for God's benefit.  We when worship God and thank Him for His goodness, we draw nearer to Him, to His comfort and His love, and that is for our benefit.  The last verse explains how when we are near God, we can rest in safety.  Such a comforting promise.

on depression

As I learn more about the disease of depression, I can see how it takes over the brain and the heart.  C.S. Lewis said, "If you want joy, power, peace, eternal life, you must get close to, or even into, the thing that has them... They are a great fountain of energy and beauty spurting up at the very center of reality.  If you are close to it, the spray will wet you; if you are not, you will remain dry."  The problem with depression is that it is an illness that makes you believe you are not near that glorious and joyful fountain of God's love, when in reality you are!  You are.  But depression lies and says we aren't, it separates us from the love of God by creating a completely untrue reality within our own minds.  The enemy fills all the holes in a person's soul with sadness as those lies become a reality.  And it sneaks itself into the subconscious until you think it is you having these thoughts, not it.  Depression once it is inside, can spread like fire, taking over the mind and the heart and the soul with this awful disease.  It is a persistent and stubborn, causing physical pain.  It holds on tight when we try to fight against it with truth and it whispers its lies even more insistently, to keep the truth from defeating it.  And its whispers can become shouts as you get closer to defeating it, as the enemy desperately does not want to give up the foothold it has gained.  Pills, prayer, exercise, mindfulness, supplements, sunshine, therapy, but if you loosen your grip, even just a little, then it weasels its way back into your brain and you spin out into that painful consuming fire once again.  Depression lies.  So Much.  It tells you all the right things to make you feel like the worst person in the world.  It knows which buttons to push and which wounds to poke.  It fills your head with horrible things, clouds your vision from God's truth, and then convinces you that its lies are the absolute truth.  Day after day.  Sometimes the fight becomes too painful and awful and consuming to endure, to the point that you begin to seek the only emergency exit you can see to escape.  This is an emergency, in the truest sense of the word emergency.  A person enduring depression can spiral to this hopeless point unexpectedly and they need immediate intervention and help.  They need the life-giving truth of God's word and love poured into them in the most urgent of ways.  If you know someone suffering depression, ask them if they are "okay," but wait for their answer and be ready to help them get emergency help if their answer is anything less than, "yes."

Someone in this country dies by suicide every 12.8 minutes. 

22 veterans die by suicide each day in this country.

12 people harm themselves for every reported death by suicide.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Phone Number: 1-800-273-8255

how to be there for me

At my Grief Share Bible study, we were encouraged to write a “grief letter” to family and friends, so that they could know how to help me through these confusing times.  The example we were given pretty much sums up what I would write, so I copied it below, just adding a few of my own thoughts. 

Dear Friends and Family Members,
          Recently I have suffered the devastating loss of my husband.  I am grieving and it will take months and even years to recover from this loss.  I wanted to let you know that I will cry from time to time.  I don’t apologize for my tears since they are not a sign of weakness or a lack of faith – they are God’s gift to me to express the extent of my loss, and they are also a sign that I am recovering.  The tears I shed let the sadness and grief out, as holding those emotions inside can make a person sick.
          I will be joyful at times, this is not a sign that I have forgotten Ryan or that I am done grieving – it is a gift of joy God provides inside the chaos of grief.  It is okay to laugh and smile with me.  Sometimes you may even see me angry for no apparent reason.  Sometimes I’m not even sure why.  All I know is that my emotions are intense because of my grief.  If I don’t always make sense to you, please be forgiving.  And if I repeat myself again and again, please be patient with me, my mind is often cloudy with the intense emotions surging through it. 
          More than anything else I just need your understanding and your presence.  You don’t have to know what to say, or even say anything, if you don’t know how to respond.  Just a simple, “thinking of you” or “how are you?” means a lot.  Your presence and a touch or hug lets me know you care.  Please don’t wait for me to call you since sometimes I am too tired or overwhelmed to do so.  If I tend to withdraw from you, please don’t let me do that.  I need you to reach out to me for several months.  
          Pray for me that I would come to see learn compassion for others through my loss and that I would know God’s comfort and love.  It does help to let me know that you are praying for me.  If you have experienced a similar type of loss, please feel free to share it with me… If you have memories of my Ryan, speak his name to me.  Hearing his name is comfort to my soul.  This loss is so painful, and right now it feels like the worst thing that could ever happen to me.  But God is good and His loving comfort it the strength that provides joy…  Thank you for caring about me.  Thank you for reading this, for listening and praying.  Your concern comforts me and is a gift for which I will always be thankful.
          remaining in God's precious grip,
           Jenny