dancer girl

I just had to brag about my dancer girl real quick. Kate was upset we had to leave Texas right when she was about to earn her pointe shoes in ballet.  But she bravely visited a ballet school here in California over the summer and joined the class a few weeks ago. She loves to dance.  She always has.  She chose to join a ballet school here where she dances a minimum of four classes a week.  I thought it was a bit much, but she works hard and wanted to make the commitment, so I let her.  That, and the teacher is just super sweet - I love her cheerful attitude towards the girls.  But, in addition, Kate auditioned for the a Nutcracker ballet at a local dance company over the weekend.  And we found out last night she was given a roll!  She will be one of the dolls in the party scene.  She seems pretty excited about it and I am so happy for her.  It genuiely makes my heart happy to see her doing something she loves.  And I truly believe she will be dancing for her daddy while he is smiling down at his graceful, beautiful baby girl.  This picture was taken right before her performance this past May in Texas.

new address

Tomorrow we get the keys to our new house.  The moving truck arrives on Thursday.  My kids are super excited about getting their stuff and painting their rooms.  I am thankful for this beautiful house and the fact that it's down the street from my sister and her family.  We can walk back and forth to see her and my nephews.  The kids will have parks and a pool to swim.  My church home is ten minutes away.  And I love decorating, so setting up a house is always fun for me.  This house is a huge blessing and I am so, so thankful for it.

But with all that said, I am feeling so sad right now.  I seriously feel like if one more person congratulates me on the house or tells me how excited they are for me, that I will scream.  During all those years of moving state to state and going new places, I missed California and family.  Feeling homesick for family and "home," I prayed many times that we would receive orders to VAFB.  When we missed family gatherings, holidays, and my nephews' milestones, I ached.  When it was 115 degrees or I was shoveling snow, I missed the mild temperatures of the central coast.  But now those things I prayed for and desired have been given to me - just not in the way I ever wanted.  I would give it all up in a heartbeat for Ryan back.  

In fact I feel angry about being given these things in this way.  I know anger is one of the "stages of grief" and it is a normal feeling, as long as I don't get stuck in it.  But I don't do anger well.  Of all the things in the human heart, anger can be one of the most intense, destructive, and unhealthy emotions that we can experience.  I have said before I have a huge fear of anger.  I don't do anger.  I think this fear is because anger can cause me to say unloving things, things said in the frustration of the moment, and not the truth of my heart.  And words can hurt.  Like right now I just want to scream, "do not congratulate me on this stupid house!  I never wanted to be in this situation!  Do not tell me this is a good step forward when everything inside me wants to move backward!"  With this raw anger running wild, I have a lot of anxiety today that I may say something hurtful to those who truly mean well.  I just ask that you all have an extra measure of patience and forgiveness for me this week.  This week is very scary for me.  My type-A personality wants to be in control, but the anger and anxiety fuel a fear inside me that makes me feel out of control. 

But the truth is that God knows how difficult this situation is for me and He desires to bless me in my pain and fear.  Fulfilling those desires I had over the years and giving us this perfect house is His way of reaching out and comforting me amidst the pain.  He desires to give us good things and the desires of our heart.  And you precious friends congratulating me mean well, reminding me to try to see the bright side of a horrific situation that I am just having a hard time seeking today.  So I am thankful for all you precious friends who do see the world as "half full" and are reminding me of the blessings around me.  Because when I am thankful for blessings given and friends surrounding us, and when I praise our loving God in the storm (even the storm of grief and anger and confusion), it gets my focus up out of the pit and onto Him.  Him who loves us.  Him who desperately wants to comfort, love, and walk with us.  So this week I need desperately to get my focus on Him who is good and Him who gives strength to do hard things.  I just ask that you all pray for me to not lose focus of that goal this week.  And so please remind me of His goodness when I seem to forget and be forgiving when I slip up and the anger or fear seeps in this week ahead.

"Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret - it leads only to evil." (Ps. 37:8)

"Gladness and joy will overtake them; and sorrow and sighing will flee away.  I, even I, am he who comforts you."  (Isaiah 51:11-12)

Monday already?

It's Monday again?  I feel ya, Ollie, I feel ya...
  

stillness

On this day of rest, this is a really good article to read.  May God bless your Sunday with the peace and rest to just "be."

"Things come suitable to their time."  (Enid Bagnold)

Many of the messages that people in grief are given are in opposition to stillness… "carry on;" "keep your chin up;" "keep busy;" "I have someone for you to meet." Yet, the paradox for many grievers is that as they try to frantically move forward, they often lose their way.

As a companion, your capacity to be still with the mourner will help them honor the deeper voices of quiet wisdom. As Rainer Marie Rilke observed, "Everything is gestation and then bringing forth." In honoring stillness, you help the mourner rest for the journey.

Times of stillness are not anchored in a psychological need but in a spiritual necessity. A lack of stillness hastens confusion and disorientation and results in a waning of the spirit. If the mourner does not rest in stillness, they cannot and will not find their way out of the wilderness of grief. Stillness allows for movement from soul work to spirit work; it restores the life force.

Within the sanctuary of stillness, discernment that is bathed in grace and wisdom is born. Thus, one of my mantras as a caregiver is, "Go slow; there are no rewards for speed." Grief is only transformed when we honor the quiet forces of stillness.

WITHOUT STILLNESS

Without stillness the mourner cannot create the energy needed to embrace the work of mourning. In sitting with suffering in stillness, you make yourself available for those you companion to give voice to their grief. You become present to the insight and wisdom that comes forth only out of stillness. It's as if the stillness invites the head to settle gently in the heart.

Without stillness, the mourner lacks a foundation from which to, eventually, transform grief into renewed meaning and purpose. The mourner needs stillness to encounter the full force of the powerful nature of grief. Out of the stillness often comes the inspiration to be respectful of grief, to seek the wisdom of those who have gone before.

Observation has taught me that the integration of grief is borne out of stillness, not frantic movement forward. By saying no to the use of techniques to try to "make something happen," sacred space arises for things to happen; divine momentum is set in motion. When we stop managing grief, other things such as grace, wisdom, love and truth come forth.

In honoring stillness as a companion to someone in grief, you discover that spiritual forces evolve that discourage striving and encourage rest and eventual renewal. Attempting to consciously move forward, or worse yet, making any attempt to get a survivor to "let go," becomes counterproductive. Frantic movement forward depletes an already naturally malnourished soul. It is through stillness that one's soul is ever so slowly restored.

STILLNESS AND PAIN

As a companion, you will be well served to focus your heart's attention on the importance of stillness in relation to pain and suffering. If you do not perceive value in the role of pain in healing it will be all but impossible to be still with people in grief.

If you in any way perceive the pain of grief as unnecessary or inappropriate, you will be reluctant to be in the stillness. In stillness, you come face to face with the essence of grief and raw feelings of loss and profound sadness. At times, you will confront the dark night of the soul-a profound sense of spiritual deprivation wherein the person you are companioning may well question the very desire to go on living.

If you do not see that it is in hurting that we ultimately heal, you will greet stillness with anxiety and fear. Fearful of what you might find in the stillness, you will instinctively push stillness away, keeping yourself and the mourner busy with techniques intended to avoid the depth of a multitude of feelings. In stillness, as you stop and listen, you will hear and feel the emptiness that accompanies grief.

By contrast, if you surrender to the reality that pain and suffering are part of the healing journey, you can sit with the stillness. You can step back from any urge to fix the pain. You can appreciate and trust that out of the darkness will eventually come the light. You will see the underlying strength and wisdom that is borne out of respect for the stillness. You will come to see that it is out of the stillness that the person discovers that authentic mourning invites the blessings of living fully each and every day.

This article is excerpted from Dr. Alan Wolfelt's book Companioning the Bereaved: A Soulful Guide for Caregiver.

http://www.taps.org/blog/default.aspx?id=15184&blogid=42571

local fire

Watching this forest fire grow and rage out of control on Vandenberg AFB.  It started yesterday and we could see the hills glowing an eerie red last night.  It caused the rocket launch this weekend to be cancelled.  With California's severe drought, please pray for the firefighters and that they are able to get some containment on it quickly.  This is the view from our neighborhood.

 Updates on the fire here

AF birthday

Today is the 69th birthday of the United States Air Force.  Below is a picture we took a few years ago of the Air Force Memorial, in Arlington, Virginia, right outside the Pentagon.  It a memorial for the service and sacrifices of the men and women of the United States Air Force and its predecessor organizations.  The three memorial spires appear to be soaring; its array of stainless steel arcs against the sky evoke the image of the AF Thunderbird contrails, as they peel back in a precision 'bomb burst' maneuver.  But only three of the four contrails are depicted, as the absent fourth suggests the missing man maneuver, traditionally used at Air Force funeral fly-overs.

"To all who have climbed sunward and chased the shouting wind, America stops to say: your service and your sacrifice will be remembered forever, and honored in this place by the citizens of a free and grateful nation." - President George W. Bush at memorial acceptance ceremony 

Blessing for Falling into a New Layer of Grief

Blessing for Falling into a New Layer of Grief

You thought

you had hit

every layer possible,

that you had found

the far limit

of your sorrow,

of your grief.

Now the world falls

from beneath your feet

all over again,

as if the wound

were opening

for the first time,

only now with

an ache you recognize

as ancient.

Here is the time

for kindness—

your own, to yourself—

as you fall

and fall,

as you land hard

in this layer

that lies deeper than

you ever imagined

you could go.

Think of it as

a secret room—

this space

that has opened

before you,

that has opened

inside you,

though it may look

sharp in every corner

and sinister

no matter where

you turn.

Think of it as

a hidden chamber

in your heart

where you can stay

as long as you need,

where you will

find provision

you never wanted

but on which

your life will now

depend.

I want to tell you

there is treasure

even here—

that the sharp lines

that so match your scars

will lead

to solace;

that this space

that feels so foreign

will become for you

a shelter.

So let yourself fall.

It will not be

the last time,

but do not let this be

cause for fear.

These are the rooms

around which your

new home will grow—

the home of your heart,

the home of your life

that welcomes you

with such completeness,

opening and

opening and

opening itself to you,

no part of you

turned away.

© Jan Richardson

http://paintedprayerbook.com

Blessing for the Dailiness of Grief

Blessing for the Dailiness of Grief

Sorry I am

to say it,

but it is here,

most likely,

you will know the rending

most deeply.

It will take your breath away,

how the grieving waits for you

in the most ordinary moments.

It will wake

with your waking.

It will

sit itself down

with you at the table,

inhabiting the precise shape

of the emptiness

across from you.

It will walk down the street

with you

in the form of

no hand reaching out

to take yours.

It will stand alongside you

in every conversation,

nearly unbearable

in its silence

that fairly screams.

It will

brush its teeth

with you at night

and climb into bed

with you

when finally

you let go

of this day.

Even as it goes

always with you,

it will still manage

to startle you with

its presence,

causing you to weep

when you enter

the empty kitchen

in the morning,

when you spread fresh sheets

on the bed you shared,

when you walk out

through the door

alone

and pass back through it

likewise.

It is here

you will know it best—

in the moments

that made up the rhythm

of your days,

that fashioned the litany

of your life,

the togethering

you will never know

in the same way again.

But I will tell you

it is here, too,

that your solace lies.

It will wait for you

in those same moments

that stun you

with their sorrow.

I cannot tell you how,

but it will not cease

to carry you

in the cadence that has

forever altered

but whose echo will persist

with a stubbornness

that will surprise you,

bearing you along,

breathing with you still

through the terrible

and exquisite

ordinary days.

© Jan Richardson

http://paintedprayerbook.com

exchanging mourning for gladness

I just received an email from the mortuary that the VA has finished Ryan's headstone (yes, it usually takes 6-8 weeks to inscribe).  So sometime this week it will be delivered to the cemetery to be installed.  Sometimes I feel like I am doing well, like I am handling all of this with strength, but all it takes is seeing Ryan's date of death in writing, on a piece of mail, the endless paperwork, or inscribed in granite, to make me an emotional mess again.  This coupled with our move this next week really seems to be more than my emotions can handle.  Additionally, Charlie is sick with a fever and a cold.  I realized last night as I tucked an exhausted and weary little boy into bed, that I often took care of the kids when they were sick, but Ryan took care of me when I took care of the kids.  Like if I was up getting medicine and water and sitting with the kids at night, Ryan would bring me water and sit with me until I fell back asleep, he knew that taking care of me would help me take better care of the kids.  Beloved husband and father.  This is the first time one of them has been sick since Ryan's death and it is another wave of sadness and loss to get through.  God says He will turn our mourning into gladness.  He will give us comfort and joy instead of sorrow. (Jeremiah 31:13).  I think I just did not realize how many times, over and over, I would have to ask Him to trade in my sorrow for joy.  It is not a one-time process, where sorrow is suddenly gone and joy takes its permanent place, it is a daily exchange, a daily yielding, letting Him give the joy, after He walks with us through the next wave of sorrow. Daily. Sometimes hour by hour or minute by minute.

house prayers

I ask for extra prayers this next week.  Tomorrow is the final walk through on our house, Tuesday we get the keys, and Thursday of next week is the day TMO has scheduled the delivery of our household goods.  And I honestly do no know how I feel about it.  I think I feel kind of numb actually. The kids are excited about their rooms and having their stuff back after all this time. So I am happy for the kids.  And I truly do love the house - God blessed us with the perfect spot.  And I have done so many PCS's and unpacked and set up a house so many times (9 houses actually) that the process is very familiar to me.  But I have never done this without Ryan.  Well, actually we did move once while he was deployed overseas, but you know what I mean.  This time I have to unpack and set up a house without Ryan.
I was not present for the pack-out of our Texas home.  The military handled all of that for us, thankfully.  And I was told they did their best to pack Ryan's personal items in separate boxes, labeled well, so I could set them aside and unpack them as I feel ready.  But I know I am going to be hit with a flood of mixed emotions next week as I unpack our household goods, like unwrapping Ryan's favorite cereal bowl or the family pictures or just about everything we collected together over fifteen years of marriage.  Part of me is super excited to see it all and hold it, letting me soak in memories and feel close to Ryan.  I want to have his stuff near, the same way I sleep with his quilt every night.  It will be comforting.  But I am also having a huge amount of anxiety over missing Ryan so much that I won't be able to handle it.  And anxiety over what the house will "feel" like.  Will it be a new normal that I can adjust to or will Ryan's absense be so overwhelmingly apparent that only sadness will take grip?  I just don't know.  I guess my anxiety really just is that - that I don't know how I will feel next week as I unpack or in the following weeks as we settle in.  So prayers would be appreciated (and visitors welcome!).  Please pray that I am able to withstand the flood of emotions that the coming weeks will bring, for myself and the kids, whatever they may be.  And that I will know and feel God's sustaining arms in the times I can't take that difficult next step.  Pray that He use my weaknesses as an opportunity to provide and show His abundant strength.