my daily bread

I read something the other day that really got me thinking this week and I am going to attempt to put these thoughts into words so I can remember them.  It was about how God provides for us day by day, just like He did for the Israelites when He provided new manna each morning.  Exodus 16:16 & 19-20 says "This is what the Lord has commanded: ‘Everyone is to gather as much as they need...  No one is to keep any of it until morning.'  However, some of them paid no attention to Moses; they kept part of it until morning, but it was full of maggots and began to smell."  Is that not how we often look at God's provision for us today though?  Do we want to gather up extra of God's blessings and provision for the future because we do not fully trust that He will provide new ones the next morning?  I know I do this every time I worry about the future or I obsess over the details that have not come together yet.  I especially have seen this come about in my own heart recently.  I was telling someone this week about how if you had asked me just nine months ago what I would be doing in 5 years or 10 years, I had an answer.  Now I can't even answer that about next year.  I was venting about how I have no idea what direction my life is taking or should take.  I went from a very happily married, exciting military life, where I was anticipating the wonderful stability of upcoming retirement with my beloved -  to suddenly, without warning, tragically becoming a widow and a single mom, who now has just about every door wide open and none that I particularly feel drawn to actually walk through.  I was crying out about how much I wanted to know where I should be in 5 years or 10 years because it all seems so unsettled and, to be honest, a little bit scary - my wide open future.  I mean, I know God has a plan for me and I trust that wholeheartedly.  But I also desperately want a "sneak peak" of 10 years from now and know where God has planted me by then - or even to just skip forward from this unsettled time of waiting to some type of tomorrow that has a forward course of motion that I can see and understand.  I guess what I really want is some kind of assurance about how God works my own life out for His purpose and with His joy.  The Bible promises that God works all things for good, but it does NOT promise that we get a sneak peak of how that looks or even that we get to participate in setting up how that comes about.  Those things are not for us to know or for us to worry about.

The Bible reminds us over and over again that God promises us daily provision.  Daily.  As in each and every day.  "Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."  (Lamentations 3:22-23).  "Morning by morning he dispenses his justice, and every new day he does not fail" (Zephaniah 3:5)  I have read and I know that His love and His justice and His mercy are new to us each morning, but I guess I never fully realized that that also means that I need to let go of trying to store up extra for the future.  He promises to sustain me for today.  And that is enough, because tomorrow He will do the same again.  And the next day again and the next day...  I am to daily, each morning, take just the measure of grace needed for that one day.  When I borrow troubles from tomorrow and attempt to gather extra grace to cover those, I end up with "stinky, bug-covered manna" - or a stressed and untrusting heart.  These thoughts bring a whole new light to the words of Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own."  I do not need to know what God has in store for me in 5 years or 10 years or even tomorrow, because I can trust that He knows and that is enough.  His daily bread is always enough.

the investigation report

It has been just over nine months since Ryan's death and this morning the Air Force Office of Special Investigations (AFOSI FOIA specialist) released their investigation report to me.  There is a full investigation done after the death of any service member and that investigation report then goes up to the Pentagon for review.  A copy of that is what was provided to me (electronically) this morning.  I knew it was coming at some point, I had been told it would take somewhere between 6 to 12 months to finish the investigation and provide me a copy.  It took 9 months and randomly arrived in my email inbox this morning.
It is a 124 page document with the details of June 24th, along with interviews from coworkers, supervisors, and friends & family (mine included), the police reports, medical reports, and the background of Ryan's 16-year AF career.  I began reading the first 20 pages of the report this morning and my heart just hurt, kind of re-living last June again and feeling frustrated for Ryan's tender, hurting heart.  There does not really appear to be anything shocking or new to me in the report, but I know I need to read it in order to have some sense of "closure" or at least know that I have all the details that I will get on this side of heaven.
I did not have time to read all 124 pages this morning because I needed to get Katherine to school and get myself going for a zillion different pressing responsibilities calling my name today.  So I closed the document, planning to come back to it again this weekend when I have sufficient time to sit and grieve and read it.  But then I realized that the instructions in the email said it was a "one time read" file and that after opening it that one time, I locked myself out of the document.  I tried reopening the file and I am indeed locked out.  Sigh.  I submitted a request to the AF office asking for it to be unlocked for me one more time, explaining that I did not fully read the directions before opening the file this morning.  I think it is probably God's way of saying, "wait, you have enough on your plate for today, this report can be put aside until you can sit in My presence this weekend and we will read and grieve together."  So please pray for me this week, that the AF grant me access to that file again so that I can indeed read it.  And pray for my hurting heart as I go through the details of Ryan's career and hurts leading up to his death.  And then please pray that I can use all that information to reach out to provide help to others in some way.
**Edited to add:  I did receive another one-time access to the report and I plan to sit down this weekend (not alone) to read through the whole thing.

save a life

In the past nine months, I have had three separate military wives contact me in concern, and even sheer panic, worried about their husbands' lives.  I could hear the worry in their words as they described a battle against depression and suicidal thoughts, but also a fear of not knowing what to do.  I am both honored that anyone would feel comfortable sharing their heart with me but also feel a huge sense of responsibility in being given such life-and-death information.  My heart hurts and breaks for each of these families feeling such fear, anxiety, and pain.  I pray for them urgently and constantly.  These precious women who have shared with me are friends I knew at other duty stations.  I hesitated to type this post because each woman has been so scared to share their story - but these stories need to be heard!  

So I pray that each friend reading this know how BRAVE they are for sharing their heart.  I will always protect their privacy and I am SO glad they have shared with me.  But I also encourage them to keep speaking because we are never alone and we each need to hear that.  I promise to never share names or details without their permission.  But I will share the struggle because I wonder how many others are out there worrying and caring the burden of depression or suicidal thoughts and think they are completely alone?  How many other military wives are on their knees praying as they watch their beloved husbands hurt and struggle, just like my Ryan did?  And how many other military wives have no idea that suicidal thoughts could be lurking just under the surface?  I had no idea.  And maybe each one thinks no one would understand or no one has gone through this before.  And perhaps they think the struggle with depression could not possibly ever get to a suicidal situation.  I never, even on the worst days, suspected I would lose my Ryan.  Not once.  

My prayer is that NO ONE ever go through the pain that the kids and I went through this past year.  So I am letting you all know that others have shared with me so that maybe someone reading this will know that they are not alone either.  There is ALWAYS hope and ALWAYS help.  I am praying for you, as you read this, praying that you know how much I love you (each person reading this) but that even more so, how much God loves you and cares for you.  He loves you more intimately than you or I will ever know on this side of heaven. 

**I am going to start here by saying that I am NOT a mental health professional and that these words below are completely my own thoughts and opinions.  I have read a lot about suicide these past few months in order to understand and present information that I know to be helpful and accurate.  But I am not an expert on mental illness in any way.**

First, I want to say that anytime someone trusts you enough to share that they are currently having suicidal thoughts, this is a serious enough situation to take that person to the ER.  It the person refuses, it may be beneficial to get a chaplain or other trusted person to come be with your loved one.  I personally would avoid calling the police as they are not always well-prepared to deal with a suicidal person and can make it worse, but just my personal opinion.  Calling 911 is always an option.  But never leave someone alone who has shared this with you.  Ryan did not share his thoughts with me (in his mind, to protect me) but if someone does tell you they are suicidal, it is a huge privilege and a huge responsibility that they have trusted you for their immediate help. 

Next, when a person shares this information with you, ask them if they have a plan.  Ask the details of this plan if they do have one.  Talking about their plan won't cause a person to further act on it, but it will give you a way to help your loved one dismantle their plan.  And then keep talking with your loved one, encourage them to broaden the circle of those who know about their pain to beyond just you.  If you can convince them to share their struggle with just one other person, that is the first step in creating a "circle of support" for that person.  The more people that ultimately know that a person struggles with suicidal thoughts, the more people can watch and help prevent any kind of action.  It has to be a team effort. 

And finally, educate yourself on the signs and symptoms of depression and suicide.  For example, I had NO idea that those who are suicidal often appear to be "better" before taking their life.  This was true of my Ryan.  I had seen Ryan at his worse days, days over the years where he struggled with pain and depression, and my heart hurt for him but I never suspected suicide was ever on his mind.  Then the year before, and especially the months leading up to Ryan's death, he appeared to be doing so much better.  I truly thought Ryan was healing and doing better.  But often a person who has made up their mind to end their life feels a sense of peace and can see "an end to their pain" when they have made that decision.  Because I never want anyone to ever go through the shock and pain of my situation, I urge you - if you know anyone struggling with depression, even if it "doesn't seem that bad," please reach out to them.  If they seem better to you, realize that the exact opposite may be true.  If they are seeming better, it could be because they have made the decision in their mind to end the pain.  And don't be shy - reach out and ask them.  Are they having suicidal thoughts?  If so, what is their plan?  Ask with compassion and love, but in a very straightforward way.  This is truly a life-and-death situation and you reaching out, you leaving your comfort zone, you asking if they have a plan could be the first steps to saving their life.  It sounds scary because it is scary.  It is a huge responsibility.  But if you were placed in a situation where a person was in a car accident and needed help, most people would do everything they could to rush in and save a life.  Mental illness is no different.  We must rush in and save the life.  My prayer is that each person reading this be equipped with God's strength and compassion towards others.

Here are some resources to have:

Learning how to prevent suicide:  http://www.realwarriors.net/family/support/preventsuicide.php

The National Crisis Line is 800-273-8255, dial 1 (this is specific for military members).  Family members can also call this number for advice and support.  You can also chat with them online at https://www.veteranscrisisline.net/ or text 838255 anytime, 24/7.

Vets4warriors.com 855-838-8255 This is a helpline run by veterans, where you can talk to a peer who will understand.  Again, family members can also call for advice and support. 

platelet donation

Ryan had such a big heart for helping others, especially children.  Most people did not know this about Ryan, but he took time every year to research and decide which charities our family would contribute to through the CFC.  He usually chose things like Doctors Without Borders or a charity that aided children in some way.

Ryan was so very humble and he never did things for "credit" or "recognition."  He rarely chose the "popular" choice.  He always did things because they were the right things to do.  Because of that, I imagine most people also do not realize that Ryan donated blood platelets as often as he could.  He rarely told anyone, he would just disappear for an "appointment" twice a month.  And not just a normal blood donation, but a platelet donation.  This is where the donation center hooks a person up to a machine that pumps small amounts of their blood slowly out of the body, extracts the platelets (yellowy goo) into a separate bag, and then returns the rest of the blood (plasma, red cells, and white cells) back inside the body.  The process takes at least two hours but during that time, the donation center can collect more platelets than would normally have resulted from five regular blood draw donations.  And one platelet donation can yield enough platelets to help several different patients.

Living in San Antonio and donating at JBSA, Ryan told me he knew his donation was mostly being used for the military children fighting leukemia and other forms of cancer there locally at SAMMC.  SAMMC is also the place that took such good care of me when I had my back surgery.  We were blessed to live near the largest military medical center in the entire department of defense and that is where a majority (if not all) military families are assigned to when a military member or their dependent is diagnosed with cancer.  Ryan said he would gladly give up a few hours of his week, hooked up to a machine, to help children with cancer.  A person can give platelets as often as every seven days and up to a max of 24 times a year.  Ryan donated platelets just about every two weeks, sometimes more often if the center was running low.  And he was also very vocal in his squadron to recruit others on days that the donation center was in danger of not meeting their daily needed platelet quota.

In Ryan's memory, since this was a cause so near and dear to Ryan's heart, I wanted to share a few facts about platelet donation.  Platelets are in constant demand by hospitals, as they only have a shelf life of about five days.  Most donations are immediately shipped and transfused into patients in need within three days of the donation.  So new donors are needed every single day.  Platelets are most frequently transfused to cancer patients, people who usually suffer a very low platelet count and risk life-threatening bleeding without the platelets their blood needs to clot.  Outside of cancer patients, platelets can also be used to help those undergoing major surgeries, suffering serious injuries, or who have blood disorders and need additional platelets to keep them alive.

If you are in San Antonio, you can donate at the JBSA-Lackland Blood Donor Center - a place where Ryan spent a lot of time during our year in Texas.  They are open for donations Monday through Friday from 7:30 am to 2pm and interested donors can call (210) 292-8100 to schedule an appointment or find out about blood drives.

Anyone else can contact their local American Red Cross Center to donate.  I know Ryan would encourage everyone who can to please go donate.  And, like he would often say, you are saving lives while getting out of work for two hours to simply sit in a comfy arm chair, watch a movie on the monitor, and you usually get a cookie afterwards.  :)   Here is a link for more information on how you can contribute to a cause that was always on Ryan's heart:  Platelet Donation

And civilians can also donate platelets to be specifically used for military members, their families, and their children by contacting a Armed Services Blood Program

spring

Today was the first day of spring.  I love spring - it is when the days start getting longer and the "heaviness" of winter begins to let up.  Although, living in California now, I am not sure winter is as "wintery" as it was in a lot of other places we have lived...  But for me the best part of spring is that the plants all start to put on vibrant shows of color and demonstrate new life, reminding us that God has been at work through every season, even when we do not readily see Him.  He has been protecting and growing the plants, preparing them to bloom forth and declare His glory.  I think if we had the cheerful splendor of spring available to us 365 days per year, we would probably take it for granted.  But having a season of dormancy allows us to see new life bloom again and it is a cause for celebration.  That is how my heart feels about spring. 

The other thought I have as I realize spring has arrived is that the last time I saw my Ryan was in spring.  I last saw him in June 10th, 2016, at the Santa Maria Airport, as I hugged and kissed him good-bye.  It was just days before the beginning of summer, but it was still spring.  And now that spring has creeped up again, I can not believe how long it has been since Ryan died, but I also can not believe how long Ryan has been gone for.  I will probably always look at spring a little differently now.  The Bible verse that comes to mind when I think of spring is Psalm 126:5, "Those who sow in tears, shall reap with shouts of joy!"  The ESV has an exclamation mark in it, just emphasizing that God is good enough to provide a joy we can shout about, even in the midst of tears, or even because of the tears.  This was the Bible verse I clung to during Ryan's deployments.  It reminded me that even though our good-byes were full of tears, each homecoming would be filled with shouts of joys - and it helped me keep my eyes on the homecoming rather than the separation.  It still kind of reminds me of that promise though.  Only know the separation is the separation between heaven and earth - and the homecoming is when I am called home to heaven.  There will be shouts of joy that day.  And I think springtime here on earth is God giving us little glimpses of the splendor that awaits us.

I feel a lot like I have spent the last summer, autumn, and winter doing the hard work of grief.  The hard work of letting myself grieve (versus numbing the pain or stuffing it inside or ignoring it).  Healing means working hard to let God carry us THROUGH the grief.  "Even though I walk THROUGH the valley..." (not around or over or under the valley, not avoiding the valley, but going through it).  But now with springtime here, I can see that God makes all things new.  I may not like the idea of embracing the new - it may seem scary or lonely or just uncomfortably unfamiliar, but I know I can trust God to comfort me and carry me forward, and that is reason to be thankful and joyful.  Springtime is kind of like seeing a sunlit meadow at the end of the valley we have been going through.

My backyard garden is like a living example of God's promises.  I spent a lot of hours outside this past winter cutting back existing vegetation, planting round bulbs deep into the ground, preparing the soil, uprooting the destructive weeds, and just getting the outdoors ready for spring.  I did not really even do the hard gardening work with the idea of being rewarded for it, I just knew the sunlight and physical exercise was good for my soul.  A few hours digging and pulling and planting in the sunshine helped with stress relief, aided in sleeping better at night, it allowed a release for emotions, and just let me get some good ole' healing vitamin D.  But then, to my surprise, my spirits were lifted by watching all the new life springing forward.  Each little tender leaf tendril unfolding, each chubby bud bursting open in color, each blade pushing up from it's hidden bulb brought a delight to my soul.  God is good.  His joy can be found all around us.  And He comforts those who mourn.  He rewards those who sow in tears with songs of joy.  Here are a few picture from my garden this week.  I eagerly await the rest of the plants to unfold their blooms in the coming months.  And I can look at each burst of color, with tears in my eyes - tears of sorrow over missing this season with Ryan.  But also tears of joy of knowing that God has something bigger, even more beautiful than spring on earth, in store for those us who believe in His promises and keep our eyes focused on Him.

Bitter. Sweet.

This is a link to a blog article I read on Oh My Grief that I could relate to. Life is indeed both bitter and sweet, but going forward I have to choose the sweet.

Bitter.Sweet.

How To Respond

This Is How To Respond To A Veteran Contemplating Suicide I recently saw this headline and stopped to read the article. If you don't read anything else I ramble about in my blog entries, please read this one and store it away. I WISH I had known all these things earlier. I wish everone knew how to respond to a person (not just a veteran) who is possibly suicidal. The coworkers, supervisors, and authorities reaching out to my Ryan that tragic day last June did not know how to respond properly. Most people don't. I didn't. But just like we obtain first aid and CPR knowledge to save lives, let's please take the time to read this article and learn to save lives from other types of emergencies. Suicidal thoughts are always, always an emergency situation. Here is the article:

This Is How To Respond To A Veteran Contemplating Suicide
By Duane K.L. France February 12, 2017

Hopefully you’ll never need it. Sadly many do. Here’s what to say to a veteran considering suicide.

I’ll never forget him. Or his voice. That southern drawl made him sound sleepy, but there was more to it. He was weary, frustrated. He wanted to kill himself.

It was a story as old as war: He made it home. His buddies didn’t. He was a cavalry scout, an Iraq war veteran. Somewhere in Baghdad, one of the 15-month tours during the surge. He swapped with someone on patrol, the other guy didn’t make it. "Should’ve been me." That kind of thing.

I was coming to the end of my career, and volunteering with a local organization as a veteran peer mentor. I wasn’t a mental health counselor yet, just trying help other vets. Someone in the program thought he was thinking of hurting himself.

So I called him and asked him. That’s the first step: Get them on the phone.

It doesn’t matter that you’re not a medic, or a therapist, or a first responder. It doesn’t matter to your friend, and it shouldn’t matter to you: The fact is, you are now the one connection to life that they have. Intimidating? You better believe it. That veteran’s life is in your hands in a very real and critical way.

You have to view suicide like any other kind of danger. You would do literally everything you could to save your friend, whether it’s from a burning building, a car accident, or a heart attack. Suicide calls for the same kind of immediate action.

I asked him how he would kill himself.

"I’ve got a gun here at the house," he told me. "I’ve tried before."

You have to ask it directly. No messing around. No, "are you in danger?" or "are you going to hurt yourself?" or "you’re not thinking of doing something stupid, are you?" All of these questions can be denied. Don’t mince words. If they are far enough along in their thoughts, they think the danger lies in living, not dying. People struggling with depression view death as peace, not pain.

"Once, I got drunk and put a round in the chamber," he told me. "I was so wasted, I forgot it had a magazine disconnect. It wouldn’t fire."

Don’t judge them. That’s first thing to remember: It’s not about you. It’s not about how you feel, what you think, what you did this morning, what you’re doing tomorrow. It’s not about how shocked, or betrayed, or sad, or scared you feel. Your total and complete focus is on your friend, on the other end of the phone, holding onto you, holding on to life.

Once you ask directly, and get a positive answer, then you can move on, because you know what you’re dealing with — a life-and-death situation.

Maybe you think you’re done at that point: "Now I know, I can call 9-1-1, it’s out of my hands." Nothing could be further from the truth. Settle in, because it gets real from here. Listen to their story. Tell them you want to hear about it, hear about what’s going on. You can be clear with one thing, though: are they in a place, head-wise, to talk? If they’ve already taken some pills, or they’ve got some other means, and they are literally seconds away from taking their own life, then 9-1-1 is absolutely one to call. You can even tell them that: "Now that I know what’s going on, if you hang up, I’m calling 9-1-1 immediately. If you don’t want that to happen, then keep talking to me."

So, if they’re not in immediate danger, take it slow and listen to their story. Something happened today, or yesterday, or this past week, to get your friend to this place. It is certainly going to be an accumulation of things, leading back to and possibly beyond their time in the service, but the chance is that there is something very specific that happened to get to this point. That’s the story you need to listen to. Without judgment. Is it because something happened with that dude or chick they’ve been messing with, the one you don’t like? Again, not about you. It’s about your friend, and their pain, their story.

At some point, something is going to come up that makes them move back toward life. A reason to live, a reason they want to live. Their kids. Their spouse. You, because you’re important to them too, if there’s nothing else. Don’t throw guilt, don’t throw shame, no "how do you think they’ll feel when you’re gone?" Just listen, and when they start talking about things that could happen in the future, then you may have started to turn a corner.

After talking for a period of time, they got some stuff off their chest, they might have gotten a reminder that there is some stuff to live for anyway. Here’s where you can start asking questions. What was your plan? What were you going to do? Because we need to figure out how to disable that particular plan. Pills? Let me have them, or give them to someone to keep safe. Guns? Rope? Let’s figure out how to keep them out of the way. Not forever, just for now, until we can make sure you’re safe. Probably best not to get drunk or high right now, because that keeps us from being focused. The best plan is one that you and your buddy come up with together, and then you confirm that plan.

Next step: Where are we going? Who are we going to tell next? Because we want to stay alive, right? If we’re not in the same town, who do you want me to call that will be safe to hang out with you until you can get in to see your doctor, or get into the vet center, or to see a therapist?

Once they’re safe — once you know they’re safe — tell them you love them like a brother or a sister, and how thankful you are that they chose you to connect with. Trust and believe me, it is an unparalleled honor to be the one who your buddy reaches out to in their darkest moment, and it will do you good to let them know that. Once you’re 100% sure they are in a better place and have someone safe near them, you can hang up the phone.

Then you can focus on you. It will be one of the most draining and intense experiences of your life, but know this: You just saved a veteran’s life, and that is no small thing.

If you or a veteran you know is in crisis, you can call the Veterans Crisis Line, call 1-800-273-8255 and Press 1, chat online, or send a text message to 838255 to receive confidential support 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

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verses from 1 Thessalonians

“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing... Live in peace with each other... warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone.  Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else.  Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.  Do not put out the Spirit’s fire; do not treat prophecies with contempt.  Test everything.  Hold on to the good.  Avoid every kind of evil.

May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through.  May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.  The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it.” (1 Thessalonians 5:11, 13-24)