Depression and suicidal thoughts lie. They tell a person that they are not close to God and then the enemy fills all the holes in a person's soul with a deep sadness as those lies become their reality. The enemy of our souls creates depression to try to separate us from the love of God. Our enemy knows there is no way to defeat our God head on, so he looks for cracks and vulnerabilities that he can use. And as suicidal tendencies sneak themselves into a person’s subconscious, that person begins to think it is them having these thoughts, not the disease. I imagine that has to be a maddening, scary, and hopeless place to be – watching these thoughts invade your mind and not knowing where they come from or how to battle them by yourself as they become your reality. And yet, the scariest thing is probably the feeling of not having a safe place to release these thoughts as they continue to grow. Society today does not yet welcome a conversation of these thoughts - and it so desperately needs to.
You see, depression once it is inside, can then spread like fire, taking over the mind and the heart and the soul with its awfulness. It is persistent and stubborn, causing a physical pain throughout the whole body. It holds on tight when a person attempts to fight against it with truth, whispering its lies even more insistently, to keep the truth from defeating it. And those whispers can become shouts if there is any forward progress towards defeating it, as the enemy desperately does not want to give up any foothold it has gained. Have you ever noticed how everything seems worse or hopeless when you are exhausted or stressed out? But usually things seem more okay when you are well-rested, healthy, and surrounded by other believers? It is because the enemy knows his attacks are useless when up against a person living within the fullness of the power of God. But if he can sneak his way into our weaknesses… there, only there, can he attempt to gain some ground. I believe that the more depression, PTSD, or stress take root in a person’s heart and mind, the stronger the enemy will launch his attacks.
And so a person’s world begins to center around pills, prayer, exercise, mindfulness, supplements, sunshine, therapy, and any other way they can conceive to find their way back to the fountain of God’s truth. But if they loosen their grip, even just for a little bit, those suicidal thoughts flood their way back into the brain and a person finds themselves spinning down into the painful consuming fire once again. And each fall back into the flames can be a little bit worse and scarier as the disease progresses. My late husband, Ryan, described this process as a bandage being ripped off a partially healed wound over and over again, with greater pain each time.
Sometimes living this painful fight becomes too awful and consuming to continue to endure, to the point that a person begins to seek out any emergency exit they can find to escape. For those of us with healthy minds, this may seem hard to relate to but remember this is not just a "sad mood" that a person can "snap out of." Mental illness is a disease of the brain. Suicide is our nation’s second leading cause of death (specifically among individuals between the ages of 15 and 34). Just as our hearts, livers, kidneys, etc. malfunction, so can our brains. Think about the complexity of which God created our minds, something so complex can malfunction just as much, if not more, than any other vital organ in our bodies.
And for Christians, suicide does not mean a lack of faith. Like any other life-threatening physical disease, if we do not seek help, death is usually the inevitable result. When someone dies from cancer or heart disease we don’t say, "If only they had focused on God and had a little more faith." It is my opinion that those suffering from mental illnesses, who have faith, do want to focus on God's truth and do seek Him, perhaps even more desperately than those of us with healthy minds! However, sometimes the illness is so aggressive, so consuming, it takes over. It clouds their vision of God's truth and it blurs any vision of God’s presence. And as if that were not enough, it goes the next step and convinces this precious person that those lies are the absolute truth. Day after day, consuming them with falsehoods, leaving them thirsting for God’s living water.
A person having suicidal thoughts is reacting to their painful reality. Think of a person in a burning building, looking desperately for any escape, even if it is the window many stories up. They are searching for ways out because they do not have water to quench the fire. We all need to know how near the Great Fountain is to each of us. The "water" in this fountain is God's truth and the beauty in His creation. I believe most people spiraling towards suicide seek that truth with every bit of their being, wanting desperately to see it, grab hold of it, and survive. I know my Ryan did. He wanted to live and be healthy - he said so in his letters and by faithfully going to his mental health appointments week after week. He wanted life. He tried desperately to cling to it. But if the fire gets too intense or too hot, it evaporates all that living water a person is urgently thirsting for. And at some point a person is forced to take the only escape route they can. It is not a choice. Suicide is not a choice people make - it is the only available route they see. Again, those of us healthy enough to not have suffered from depression may not fully understand this because we see and know that there are other exits. But those in which the disease of depression has taken over have smoke clouding their vision and they do not see it.
Depression is a disease of deceptions masquerading as a person’s new reality. I have come to understand that this was my late husband’s reality. This was the world in which he lived and fought against. I now know how much he wanted to escape the pain and I am utterly amazed at how he was somehow strong enough to sit in that pain for such a long time, for the kids and I, just to be present for us. That kind of strength amazes me. And I know for certain my late husband's perception of himself, during those final moments, was so far from reality that it is extremely difficult for my healthy mind to even understand. And as painful and uncomfortable as it is to put myself there or to imagine, I am sharing all this with you because I do not want this to be your reality. Or anyone you love’s reality.
A person without hope is experiencing an emergency, in the truest sense of the word emergency. Depression can spiral to the hopeless point of a suicidal state slowly over time or very unexpectedly and quickly, but when it does, a person needs immediate intervention and help. They need the life-giving truth of God's word and love poured into them in the most urgent of ways. If you know someone suffering depression or you suspect them of having suicidal thoughts, ask them, very straightforward and honesty if they are "okay." But then wait for their answer and be ready to assist them in getting emergency help if their answer is anything less than a solid and clear, "yes." Someone in this country dies by suicide every 12.8 minutes. 22 veterans die by suicide each day in this country. 25 people harm themselves for every reported death by suicide.
This kind of pain and suffering does not make sense. And it certainly does not seem fair. But I will also tell you what I know - I know God does not ever cause horrific things to happen. God weeps and deeply grieves with us in our pain. I know God is good and I know that those undistorted truths that Ryan so badly wanted to possess, he now does. Ryan gets to see the whole picture now - he can see the intense pain caused by his death and intercede on behalf of the children and I now. He can see the lies that he was fed melt away by God's comfort and truth. I do not say this to condone or show approval of death or suicide in any way - death by suicide always creates exponentially more pain than it undoes. Every life is precious. Every life has a purpose. Pain does not go away when a person dies by suicide - it simply transfers from the one person hurting to the many survivors left behind.
Death by suicide can then perpetuate the evil schemes of the enemy onto further generations if we do not take seriously the hard work of talking about these issues and working to uncover the truth. I believe that understanding suicide, understanding the disease underneath it, and knowing how it works and progresses, is the one of the first steps to being able to fight mental illness. We need to be there for others. We need to listen to their stories and actively assist each other in getting emergency help. "Research shows people who are having thoughts of suicide feel relief when someone asks after them in a caring way. Findings suggest acknowledging and talking about suicide may reduce suicidal ideation" (National Suicide Prevention website). So let’s talk about this, not just in September, but all year long. I am here to listen.
*I add the disclaimer that the statistics I quoted are from the national suicide prevention website and are real numbers, but all the rest of this post is simply my thoughts and opinions, and I am not an expert by any means on mental illness.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Phone Number: 1-800-273-8255
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
