fog

So I grew up here on the Central Coast and throughout most of my childhood the mornings would be quite foggy.  A thick and dense marine layer often rolls in here, either at sunset or sometime during the night so that most springtime mornings I remember waking up to clouds reaching down to my back fence.  I would usually layer a sweatshirt over my shorts and t-shirt, put on some flip-flops, and head out, knowing that even with the damp and cold start to the morning, it would only take and hour or two before the sun would peak out, the fog would begin to retreat, and it would be a warm, sunny day.  I grew up with that pattern and I remember complaining about the damp and cold mornings, especially when I was on swim team and had to jump into the outdoor pool at 6am.  And yet somehow it never occurred to me that the fog was familIar... until I left and came back.  I left home for college in 1997 and then left California in 2001.  And of all the places I lived, those locations never experienced that coastal marine fog I grew up with.  I did not miss it.  In fact it was so far from my mind of missing those foggy mornings that I remember one rare day in Washington DC (probably in 2013) that a fog settled over the Potomac River and my children noticed. asking why the clouds were so low.  I realized I had not really seen that familiar fog of my childhood in years. Then of course during the summer of 2016, the kids and I moved to California.  And that first year my mind was all over so I guess I did not really notice the fog.  But it is springtime again here and late spring into summer has the foggiest mornings.  So it has been quite foggy most mornings recently.  I find myself waking up slowly, as one does when the sun is not beckoning the eyes to open.  And I feel a sense of comfort as I open the blinds and see the fog blanketing my entire yard.  I feel a sense of familiarity as I hear my teenager complain that it is damp and cold every morning but then gets hot by lunch - words I remember saying.  I feel a sense of awe of knowing there are hills in the distance, that are usually in full view, but they are all completely hidden in the cool stillness.  I guess I am really “noticing” the fog in this season right now and there is something so beautiful in it to me. It really feels like an embrace of familiar comfort and security in a world that has often felt non-embracing and unfamiliar and uncomfortable and not secure.  The fog makes me want to curl up on my back porch with a blanket, a cup of warm tea, my study Bible, and just sit in the clouds, praying, listening, feeling isolated, and yet feeling safe, like the fog is a secure place to just wander through my thoughts, process my feelings, and sit for awhile.  I have noticed that when the late morning rays of sun begin to peak through, I almost feel disappointed, like the sunshine that is about to come out full force is disrupting my peaceful solitude or may be harsh and exposing.  Which is such a silly thing for me to say because I love the sunshine!  I love love the sunshine so much!  But the process of watching the morning fog retreat as the mid-day sun emerges has recently been stirring something inside me that makes me bristle.  I guess in this season, here and now, I will enjoy the gift of God’s peace and embrace the security of the blankets of fog.  Maybe I desperately need the visual reminder that God is near, nearer than those low clouds.  My prayer had been that God “remind” me, in very tangible ways, of his presence because I am a creature that SO often forgets.  Thank you, God, for blanketing me with your presence in this season when things feel frighteningly wide open.

grey still morning, distant hills have disappeared in the fog ☁️

sunshine just peaking through late morning 🌤 

warm afternoon sunshine ☀️

widowhood thoughts

A sweet and lovely widow friend of mine has a deep love for Jesus and such a way with words!  She wrote these beautiful notes to me below and I just so love them so much I wanted to share them: 

🏔

This grief journey is like a drive up a steep and winding mountain during a snow storm. You don’t want to, it’s rough, scary, daunting, you feel like you’re gonna die, you feel so dizzy from the snow blowing against the windshield you don’t know which way is up or even if you’re moving forward at all, it’s intense, and sometimes all you can do and think of is the road ahead of you, your steering, and what’s coming next. You’re gripping the wheel you don’t and can’t know how far you’ve gone, all you are is consumed with getting through. So much so that you don’t even realize when the snow has subsided and that you’re now on level ground. But one day, you’ll realize that you “made it”. You’ll look through your rear view mirror at the mountain range you’ve just driven through and you’ll see nothing but how awesome and beautiful it all is and it never could have been done without God. 

I was thinking that if we knew how much God helped us in our everyday, we may just get fat and lazy. I wonder if this is why He sometimes seems so far away. I mean, I know that with all the things that the children are required to do, I do over and beyond what they do. My stuff is more Big Picture stuff, but it’s all stuff we need to survive. Cleaning a room seems daunting to some of them, but if their responsibility was to collect the money for the mortgage, they would never make it! I think in the same way, God provides for us. With and in all things, but sometimes, we’re required to “clean our room” while He takes care of “the mortgage”. 

I’m not sure what I’d do without Jesus. I am so heartbroken for people without Him. How do they manage?! I used to wonder at the pattern I noticed amongst widows. How they all seemed to either be bitter and stuck in their grief or re-married inside of two years. There didn’t seem to much of a middle ground there. I was really afraid. As I’ve travelled through it though, I realize for myself that this thing is no joke!! I mean, the intense feelings of loneliness, despair, hopelessness, confusion, and sorrow. I mean, we feel these things. They are all there. The feelings, the THOUGHTS(!!), are way too real!...... but then, Jesus. And even though the feelings may not subside, they may be just as intense as they’ve always been, we have a reason to hope. We have the trust in our Father who knows exactly how much we can take. And we take it. Because we know we have a brighter future. We know that life is on the way. Or it is here now. In our midst. We just maybe can’t see it through the tears. The sun is shining 365 days a year. Sometimes we cannot see it for the clouds, but it’s always sunny! 

trail beginning of a recent hike

invitation retreat

A friend shared this podcast with me today.  It is a meditation on Matthew 11:28-30 and it goes with the theme I have been recently called to of being “unhurried” and “unanxious” in my soul.  If you have 20 minutes to just kind of step away and listen to this in a quiet space, it is a worth the 20 minutes.  Consider it a mini “retreat” from the busyness of the day.

The Invitation Podcast

view from Gaviota Wind Caves

spiritual formation

I am reading a new book this week for my Renovaré Institute program.  After wading through Brother Lawrence's "The Practice of the Presence of God" and Jeanne Guyon's "Experiencing the Depths of Jesus Christ," I get to return to my favorite author, Dallas Willard, with "Renovation of the Heart."  I am barely into the second chapter and had to pause just to think through some of these insights.  Here are a few notes from my reading that I am sitting with and praying over:

"Our salvation does not arise out of the murky human depths... Jesus moves into and through those very depths, whatever they contain, to bring us home to God."
-This makes me wonder why I feel like I need to put so much effort into acting well, obsessing over my decision, or striving so much.  When in all reality I simply need to surrender my strivings and invite God into my murky depths.  Why do I think it is a good idea to keep him out of that?  Is my "murk" too dark for him?  Do I fear him in there stirring things up?  No, I just am reluctant to think he wants any part of that.  Silly me, because that is exactly what he wants - access to our mess and murk, because there he can do the most good.  This is such a beautiful picture to me, of resting my anxious soul and simply inviting him into my mess - allowing him to swim through all the murk so he can bring me up out of it.  I love love this.

"We are thankful for whatever truly helps human beings in their desperate life upon the earth.  Nothing else would be compatible with the spirit of Jesus.  The constant love of God is extended to every human being who ever lives, sometimes in places and postures that God himself would not prefer, but still with some good effect."
-This is a wonderful reminder to me that God's goodness is everywhere and in anything inherently good.  God's grace and active love is not limited to just "Christians" or the church or "spiritual" acts of goodness.  Any time that goodness is sewn into the heart of another human, it is God's grace, even in (and perhaps especially in) the unbeliever, the unaware, and in the places we mistakenly think God is not fully present.  I was awakened to the reality this year that God had been acting in and through my life before I even knew him.  That simple reality - that I could look back on my life before I knew the handprint of God and see how he was loving me - just utterly humbled me and left me unglued with tearful gratitude.  For so many years he has loved me and not only did I not acknowledge him, I took credit for his goodness in my life.  'Look at what my wise decisions and caring actions have brought forth in my life!'  And that whole time God was just smiling and blessing me and letting me take the credit...  Oh, please forgive my blindness, precious Trinity, for every good and perfect gift comes from above and every act of love stems from the heart of God, even in places that God would not prefer (because he has better intentions for us) and not in postures he prefers (because he knows we would so brillianty thrive elsewhere), but still he actively enters every place, uses every icky situation - always present, always forgiving, and always abundantly giving, never demanding or asking for credit, just patiently working and watching to see if we notice.  And, oh, when we notice how humble our hearts are to see all the goodness we were so blind to.

And finally, as I delve into this book about intentional spiritual formation, it helps that Dallas Willard begins with the definition of what spiritual formation actually is. 
spiritual formation - the process by which the human spirit or will is given a definite "form" or character
It is a process that happens to everyone.
We each become a certain kind of person in the depths of our being, gaining a specific type of character.Every human being has been "spiritually formed" by their life experiences, the decisions they make, and the life they have lived.  Essentially we all have a "character" that has formed through conscious and unconscious effects on our spirit (the nonphysical part of our human being).  We talk about "character" a lot when we talk to children about making good choices or being a good person.  We all have a "character" that is formed and we, as parents and adults, hope and pray that our children are forming "good characters."  Everyone has been spiritually formed to have a character though, with a wide range of "good" or "evil" aspects - from Mother Theresa to the serial killer.  Dallas Willard's writing dwells on what intentional Christian spiritual formation is.
spiritual formation for the Christian - the Spirit-driven process of forming the inner world of the human self in such a way that it becomes like the inner being of Christ himself
I am super excited to read more about how I can understand the "character" and the inner world of the incarnate Christ and then use that to intentionally reform or transform (spiritual transformation) the character that has been forming inside my heart for the past 38 1/2 years (today is my half birthday, so that 38 1/2 years is exactly right on).  Really my spirit has been forming mostly unconsciously my whole life, as I just make decisions without really "thinking about my thinking."  The idea that we find joy and peace and contentment when we are intentional about forming our spirits to God (because we were made in the image of God) simply makes sense because it is the exact fulfilment of what we were created for.  God is loving goodness.  And he created us to for goodness and love, we were created for beauty - our souls deep inside need it and crave it.  So many longings and anxieties and the emptiness we often feel are simply due to the fact that we are not being intentional (or did not know we could be intentional!) about fulfilling the inner cravings for goodness and love that our spirits were created to need.  Spiritual formation is really about just easing the tension we feel from our separation from God's love - it is bringing our inner self back to the state it was made in, whether we know it or not, believe it or not, trust it or not.

A few ideas that Dallas Willard throws out there that will be addressed in this book that really intrigue me:
Spiritual formation done by the Spirit of God AND the spiritual riches of Christ's continuing incarnation in his people including... the amazing personalities of those in whom he has most fully lived. 
I love the idea that God uses community and the uniqueness of each of us to touch the hearts of each other.  We are not all becoming little "Christian robots" that think and act the same, nor should we ever strive for that.  How boring and dull that would be!  Instead, we are given unique and amazing personalities and God actually wants us to become more fully ourselves, embracing the unique personality we have.  As I am "transformed" in my inner character, I get to become more fully and uniquely me, embracing the unique ways my mind and heart were created to function.
The perpetual world revolution through character transformation...
And, again, I love the idea behind this.  The world is full of mess and murk and misery.  We do not have to look very far to see it.  But the world does not need an external clean-up - we do not need someone to come along and paint a smile on each person's face or urge them to strive to "do good."  We need heart renovations.  We need humans to want to invite God into their murk, so God can transform the yuck.  From that all goodness and acts of love will naturally flow.  But our job is not to do the cleaning and the striving, nor is it to tell others how to clean and strive, our job is simply to encourage others to sit still and invite God's love into the mess.  We love others best when we sit with them in their murky messes and invite God into that together.  It is a life of peace and hope, sitting together, holding the hand of the person who is in such despair, whispering that they do not have to strive.  Let's all just sit still, stop striving, and invite God to full access of the character messes that have formed inside of our broken hearts.  Let's stop trying to ignore or cover up the painful and murky messes, but instead open up the horrendous messes to each other and to God - and then we can watch with awe at the revolution that emerges.  This is the gospel my friends - this is the inner world of Jesus' heart. 

Sunday's gorgeous sunset

Air Force song 🎶

It is Monday, which means Charlie is at symphony practice this evening.  He plays the clarinet with a local youth symphony.  I usually use the two hour practice time to run errands or catch up on my homework reading.  And I did spent the majority of the evening doing that but I got to his rehearsal a little early today and the door to the band room is open (because it is 85 degrees outside today!).  So I am waiting outside in the warm evening air just listening.  And I hear the Air Force song begin to play...  I knew Charlie’s next concert was going to have a patriotic theme to it and I guess I even realized he would be playing the Armed Forces Melody song.  But to stand outside and actually hear his group playing the Air Force song tonight on this beautiful evening just had moved me to tears.  The song always has, as I heard it so many times over Ryan’s career.  A mixture of gratitude, pride, patriotism, fear, joy, and sadness.  Music always moves my heart anyway but songs that mean something, even more so.  And to hear my son playing a song so familiar to me.  And they are good, like really good.  The youth symphony is playing this difficult song so beautifully.  I realize how proud Ryan would be of our Charlie’s talent and ability.  It just makes me emotional.  I guess songs are supposed to move the heart and do that, right?  God have mercy if I make it through the concert in May!  Anyone want to bring a box of tissue and attend with me??
🇺🇸 🎼

April 16th UPDATE:  Charlie’s two concert dates are May 6th and May 16th.  I knew about the May 6th performance, but the extra performance on May 16th was just added today.  May 16th is Ryan’s birthday.  He would have been turning 41 that day.  Last year we celebrated May 16th by having a “daddy day” of visiting the cemetery and then eating Ryan’s favorite foods and doing things Ryan would have enjoyed.  This year I had planned to do that again but then Charlie will be playing with the symphony that evening.  I am not sure how I will handle hearing Charlie play the Air Force song and other patriotic favorites on Ryan’s birthday.  It is so weird to me that this extra concert got added on that day!  God must have a purpose for that.  All are welcome to attend either performance with me next month, just let me know and I will get extra tickets.

a picture of Charlie’s group in the March concert last month

grief is loyal

Read this today and it meant something to me.  It is written by Monique Minahan

Grief is loyal.

Grief is so moved when someone dares approach it, speak to it, say its name out loud to its face, without shame, with compassion, that it never forgets.

It is so used to being covered, hidden, shushed, and relegated to closed doors and bathroom floors that when it is invited out into public without a mask it feels a deep wave of gratitude that washes over the heart crevices emptied by death.

They are still empty, but they are touched. They are seen. They are acknowledged. Sometimes for the first time in years.

This is how grief and gratitude meet in the cold, shadowed, uneasy and painful corners of our hearts. Quietly, without much fanfare and even less expectation they lean into each other and breathe.

spring hike by this pretty stream in Santa Barbara